Thirty, Dirty, and, apparently, Sloppy

It'll be my 30th birthday soon. Yes, Star Wars and I turn 30 the same year. Isn't it ironic? Don't cha think. But before I whisk you away with all my fetishes of pop culture and bitch pop references, I must relay a story...

Matt is a geat friend of mine that I met while living in Kochi, Japan. I hadn't seen him for over a year, so it was a treat to be able to spend time with him recently on a business jaunt here to NYC. I took him to a bar where I got very lucky recently, The Phoenix.

So there we were, chatting it up in the side room - me in a Swiss Airlines Hoody and Matt in a Fabulous blue sequins jacket that he snatched up before making the leap over from San Fran. There we were. And there they were. No sooner did I see there two guys checking us out than did I find myself in the middle of a self introduction.


Moi: [reaching for the hand of someone who appears to be not a day past 15.5 years old] Hi, I'm Deuteronomy.

The Ostensibly 15.5 year old from L.I. (imagine the accent): I'm Evian. <-- ficticious name

Before I continue, I must say that Evian seemed like a nice guy. He and his friend made their way over and struck up a conversation about Matt's jacket and then used that as a segue into chatting. It was all very nice, but the speed with which it all went down was a bit startling. I'm reminded of praying mantises at the moment...

15.5 L.I.: Soo, Deuteronomy, are you from here? What do you do?

Moi: Yes. I just came back from spending a couple of years abroad. I was teaching.

15..5 L.I.: Ooh Fabulous, wheah did jew gow?

Moi: I was in Japan.

15..5 L.I.: Fahbulous. Ooh, how was that?

Moi: It was...

15..5 L.I.: How old are you?

Moi: Well, I m going to be 30 in about two weeks.

15..5 L.I.: Oh my gawd! Are you nervous? I would be TOOOtally nervous.

Moi: No, I'm not nervous. I actually am welcoming it. I feel like I'm understanding myself better at this point, and...

15..5 L.I.: Oh my gawd! Are you nervous? I would be TOOOtally nervous.

Moi: Would you like a Tic-Tac?

15..5 L.I.: Oh my gawd! Do I need one? I'm totally nervous.

Moi: No no, I'm just going to have one myself. Care for one? Two?

15..5 L.I.: Oh, OK. Thanks Deuteronomy.... Soo, I'm 21 and I'm have one more semester of NYU left and I don't know what I want to do and I don't want to work in a gallery or museum or anything like that and I want to be able to eat out a couple of nights a week and how do you guys know each other? and I have one more semester of NYU and I'm an art history major and Long Island and...

Moi: [Rising from my seat and clutching my phone like it was a garlic and I had just been jumped by a vampire] Would you excuse me for a second, I have to make a phone call.

And then I saw it. Like in s l o w m o . I saw the tic tacthat that I had sucked on for no more than 30 seconds fall from my agape mouth and land just beyond the mouth of Evian's glass on his sweater. Omg.

Moi: Omg.

15.5 L.I.: OH Deuteronomy! Don't worry. I LOVED IT!

Omg.

Evian and his friend chatted us up for a bit longer, but when it became clear that we weren't media moguls or interested in NYU nana, they kept it movin'. It was flattering to have two young young men come by and talk to us. I suppose it was nicer that my young gentleman caller wasn't grossed out by this soon-to-be 30 year old with alot of issues keeping things in his mouth. I wonder what the conversation must've been like after they left. Could it have been something like this?:


15.5 L.I.: Omg.

16.5 L.I.: What?

15.5 L.I.: That old chinese man dropped his Tic-Tac on me! It, like, fell from his mouth!

16.5 L.I.: Eew

15.5 L.I.: Omg

16.5 L.I.: Eew

15.5 L.I.: Omg. Pick Britney.

Perhaps. Hey, what can I say? They don't call it your dirty thirties for nothing. I'm just thirty drity and a bit sloppy. Whoops.