America's Next TOP model?

If only Kinsey had a scale that measured the various degrees of topness and bottomness. Some fags are clear as to what role they play in the bedroom. Instictive, I suppose. Some of us, however, are either unclear, or just ambitious.

I created this bidness card for myself, riffing off of one that i made for my sister. It stares you blankly in the face, in all it's helvetica glory, asking you to fill in the appropriate response. I know you're dying for the day to get one of these cards left behind on the kitchen counter. If you get one, mail it back will ya? I'm keeping tabs. xoxo

Mr. Zimmer

I cuddle with Pandas. I cuddle with wizards. I even cuddle with pillows ( " - " ). But perhaps one of my most interesting cuddling friends is Mr. Zimmer, or was he is known by a wider audience, simply Zimmer.

Zimmer lives in an abandoned chocolate factory not very far from his Art School Alma Mater, Pratt (when inclined to perform feats of doggie artistry, he goes by the moniker "Samo"). His cozy coat makes him attactive in bed, especially on the fiercest of winter mornings. What I cannot vouch positively for, however, is his insane halitosis. Bad doggie breath aside, Zimmer is in a class by himself. Upon a recent jaunt to the chocolate factory, I decided to ask Zimmer about his foul odor. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Ohh little Zimmer, why do you have such corrupt doggie breath.

Z.: (Looks up and flaps his tongue, unleashing more of the corruption.

Me: Don't do that! Whew, your shit be stankin'!

Z.: (Bats his eyes in an adorable fashion no doubt mastered on modeling sets - oh he is a doggie model. Had you not known?)

Me: Corruption. Let me hug you.

Z.: (Gets scooped up and looks at TRB for cuddling advice)

Me: Good corruption. Aww. Corruption.

FIN

Yeah, he's a bit stank, but we love him. Here's to you Zimmer. The one and only.

What had happened was...

Apparently I talk in my sleep. This I'm told by my artner that I conveniently share a bed with. Or, shall I say shared a bed with.

Last Saturday morning, I was apparently rolling underneath the sheets. Amid the rustle of cotton, she heard some kind of moaning but not a sexual moan. Something more along the lines of a dog crying because his mother removed her tit from his salivating mouth. Damn, how's that for graphic. Anyhoo. So, whah whah, there's some muffled whimpering. Artner says that it happened for a good minute or two when suddenly the whimpering became language.

If ever you meet artner, ask her to tell you the story. It's so funny and unbelivable. I swear I didn't do it. The illustration above is hers. That's me lying on my side with those highly articulated words coming out of my mouth post whimper a la Britney Spears.

"Mmm...Mmmm...I Like It" (back to dreamland)

Black Panda hug

Love, love, love. 1/2 + 2/2 = Black Panda. Hugs and Drugs.
(first seen on: http://jenniferlew.blogspot.com/)

Potty Talk

Sometimes mixed drinks can be a bit too sweet. Have you ever experienced that? Recently, on a jaunt to the DR, my friends and family just could not get a decent drink. Everything was way too sweet. The pina coladas, the daquiris, the margaritas - it was as if someone was conspiring to spread diabetes across the resort. What does one do when the libations are too saccharin sweet for your drinking pleasure? What else, but shoot skittles from your bum.

Yo: OMG. These drinks are so sweet, I'm going to fart a Starburst.

Ellos y Ellas: hee hee hee haw haw haw

(after another pina colada)

Yo: Jeeez! I think I'm going to shit a Jolly Rancher tomorrow!

Ellos y Ellas: ra ra ra ra ra ra

(borderline diabetic at this point)

Yo: Yo, for real!

Ellos y Ellas: Porque?!? What had happened?!?

Yo: These drinks are so sweet, I'm going to shit skittles.

At this point, my girl, The Professor, and I had one of those moments when we knew that our stars REALLY did cross paths and that we are living in parallel universes.

Yo y The Professor (simultaneously and unrehearsed): TASTE THE RAINBOW!

So, yeah kids. Whether you are in the DR or at Papi Cock or at Esquelita, please use the following line:

"My ass is so sweet, I shit skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?" - DM + The Professor

And remember, you heard it here first.

King Deuteronomy

I was King for the day at my Karaoke birthday extravaganza. The beloved Lady Esquire made some red velvet cup cakes in honor of the event and the Tinga Tinga crew completed the candle blowout with their rendition of Mariah's "Vison of Love". See for yourself on the You Tube Videos below.
Thanks to all who came out to celebrate the Dirty Thirty - xo. And thanks for the crown Little Man...xoxo

Sunday, Nov. 11, 2007 2:30 AM

Single file please. One at a time.

DM in DR

Told ya I'd get there.